Saturday, June 14, 2014

motherhood, truthfully

Honestly, sometimes I struggle with being a mother. Sometimes it feels like I'm being sent out to war in the morning when I hear him wake. I don't have the unlimited and abounding love I hear people speak of in reference to their children. I never expected to be a mother that would make her child/children her absolute everything and vanish inside a cocoon of obsession, forgetting about anything else I ever thought had substance or importance (and I'm also grateful for that), but I also never expected to be torn so strongly between the beauty and difficulty this new chapter holds in my life. Don't get me wrong. I love my son. So much so that I can barely believe he is real sometimes. I run my finger along a perfect curl or under an innocent tear and my mind boggles that he emerged from me. That we are bound and that I'm the lucky person able to call him my own. Some days he will say something that makes me laugh and it will be the best moment in my already great day by far. I would never not want to be his mother.
But I'm having a hard week. The other day I was talking about setting off to Bolivia alone with him on my back for a few weeks, but I can hardly manage a 5 hour flight without almost losing my sanity. For someone that always relished a little isolation, my own company and time to just be and think, I'm struggling to find that patience and warmth that looks like it comes so easy to many.

motherhood struggles


Holly Bree said...

I adore that you said this Jess. Your honesty and courage are just two of the things that make you such a remarkable and beautiful person. As a non mother I can't comprehend so much of my time being taken up by another person. But, I think your son will benefit from your thoughts and feelings and keeping (at least trying to) some space for your self.

lauren duiker said...

Never feel embarrassed or sorry for sharing what you feel, or thoughts that are I believe are very reflective to a lot of us mothers. Being a mother is nourishing but yes also draining, sometimes incredibly so! Isolation takes on a new meaning when you are a mother, I think there never tends to be any moments of true isolation perhaps just flickering moments of space to reflect by yourself. If you want to take the plane flight, you will find a way to manage. Being a Parent also gives birth to an incredible strength to call on :)

Holly said...

From the front row I'm standing, ovating your shared honesty. According to the squiggly red line, I'm also making up words - but ovating feels entirely legit as far as I'm concerned, to describe my reaction to your brave, meaningful self-expression. Bravo, Jess.

Anonymous said...

I so much can relate to this and I think many mothers experience these feelings, but they are not accepted in our society.
You sound like a perfectly loving and caring mum but you have other roles too and that is important for yourself and your sanity.
Thank you for your honesty.x

Anonymous said...

Thanks for your honesty Jessica. I can definitely relate and I know how it feels scary to express your true feelings sometimes... So Thank you :)


Lisa Jewell said...

Your honesty is tonic; not only for yourself, but for all of us. I'm so honoured to know you, that I pinch myself. You are a blessing, not because you're perfect but because you're real. Love you xxx

Katrina said...

Never apologise for your feelings because when you do you apologise for the truth. Jessica all I'm hearing is you need respite. Can your mother take the little one off your hands in order to regain some balance and recharge. Kids of that age often develop powerful rapport with that generation.

Tamarra Kaida said...

you sound like me when i wasyour age and in your new position as mother. You are not shocking . I felt far worse than you and i was 19 , 20 at the stage you are in of Motherhood. I felt really trapped.
my only usefull advice is to get half day care and just get out of the house, sit unber a tree, endure drive on new roads, endure the guilt, but do something for yourself! it worked for me. but then this is in the old days when we started our own day care center and each mom gave an afternoon of work to the center in exchange for a few afternoons to do something else. Also there is no way to be perfect so don't beat yourself up.
It is refreshing meeting some one as real and in touch with her feelings rather than some one spouting ideology.

Anonymous said...

Oh My Dear , you are so not alone in this. Yes, there are many who look very composed and serenly happy in the trenches of motherhood and there are us who are still good for the job but are probably going to come in to our own at other stages of our pregeny's development. I found the early years exhillarating and incredibly exhausting. My guys are now in teen land and we're having a ball together. In large part I think because I stubbornly held onto those things that are important to me and held onto them at the same time. Now I can tell them to do the same. They need us to to be more than just Mum. It goes quickly. You'll see. Thank you for being honest. You do every woman a great service when you tell the truth as it is. X

Sara said...

I wrote a similar text (in French though), where I was saying that as a person who craves being alone sometimes, I found the first months of motherhood particularly difficult... It's getting easier to find some "me time" (and I feel less and less guilty about it!) as my daughter gets older (she's 2 years old now). Thank you for expressing that; I know it's not easy, but it's important! I felt like every time I would talk about things being difficult, some people would understand that I didn't like being a mother and I didn't like my daughter... Which is so insulting and so wrong! Everyone has their difficulties in life, and that doesn't mean they don't like life! Perfection doesn't exist... It's normal to have some challenges to face!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing. I could realize Im not alone in this wonderful and taught world called motherhood.
I loved your photography! Really nice job.